Weekend in TN

So I've spent this long weekend in TN with the wifey and my two babies :) I needed the break from work and home and dealing with my every day life. I love coming here and seeing my babies...it shows me a life I've only dreamed about. Having two little ones who can't really tell you what they want, one potty training, and one still in diapers. It's a lot of work, and sometimes a little frustrating, but it is so rewarding. To watch them grow and learn every day is so exciting...Brady has grown so much since the last time I saw him in November. He's saying so many new words and can understand so much. And best of all, he's doing so well potty training. I've been a part of his life since he was a little peanut inside his mommy's tummy, so it's exciting to see how he's growing and changing over the years. The only thing I don't like is how far away I live from them...but we've more than made up for it this past year b/c I think I've seen them more than I saw them in 2008...it makes it easier since we're both on the same coast :) I can't believe I'm already leaving tomorrow...it feels like all our visits fly by. But it's nice to have my wifey to talk to...and I know it's nice for her and George to have a night away from the kids. Today is their 3rd anniversary, so they went into Nashville last night to celebrate. I'm glad I can come for a visit and provide them a little break away. I know it's not a long break, but it gives them some time to go on a date and be a couple :)

I can only hope one day I'll have a happy marriage and two beautiful children to come home to. But for now, I am happy...or trying to be happy...with my life. The past month and a half has been very difficult, but I’m attempting to move on. I’m accepting my feelings of anger, hurt, resentment, and bitterness. And I’m telling myself every day that I did nothing wrong...that what happened wasn’t my fault. Don’t get me wrong...I know my part in why our relationship ended, but I didn’t make the decision for him to cheat on me...he made that decision. And that decision was not my fault. However, there are so many things I learned from our relationship. Things I learned about myself, as well as myself as a part of a couple. I’m happy to have been in this relationship, so I was able to learn and grow so that my next relationship will be that much better. It’s not easy b/c Lee is still living with me...yes, he’s staying in another room, but he’s lived with me since we broke up. Next weekend he’s packing up his stuff and moving (finally) to Kansas City. I think I’ll be able to heal and move on much faster once we no longer live together. Goodness knows it hasn’t been easy b/c I do still love him...I thought I wanted to spend my life with him, and here we are, parting ways. And I’m certainly not ready to start dating…I want to learn more about myself and become a better person individually before I venture into the dating world again.

So here’s to throwing myself back into the things I love most...running, being with my friends and family, traveling, reading, taking some me time. I know I’ll have to accept my feelings and actually let myself feel them...I have to know that it’s okay to cry, and it’s okay to feel sad. And while I know I’m angry, I also know I can’t be destructive or take it out on anyone. I have to feel the anger, but also let it go. So here’s to being strong, being patient, and trusting in myself to grow stronger each day. It may not be better in the near future, but at least I know it will eventually be better.

Sadly, it took coming to my wifey’s house in TN to have all these revelations. They’re all things I knew, but didn’t really want to accept, if that makes any sense. So here’s to one day at a time...…allowing myself to feel my emotions instead of bottling them up...and realizing that things will eventually be far better than they are now. I know that this relationship was a great learning experience and a catalyst for my next exciting, new relationship.

So let’s see what the future holds…one day at a time :-)


Quote of the day ~ "Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future."
-- Lewis B. Smedes